A Lesbian Story

Warning: this is possibly not the kind of lesbian story you expect nor want to hear but I needed to write it anyway. The choice to read it is yours.

Allow me the courtesy of introducing myself: I am a middle-aged lesbian making her way through this colourful matrix we call “life” who seems to meet women who are only drawn to me for my sexuality, in a society which only accentuates my ‘lesbian’ status.

I live like everyone else, I eat like everyone else, I do my laundry like everyone else (although I must admit I have never separated colours and still haven’t experienced any problems), I dream like everyone else, I work like everyone else, I stress like everyone else and I yearn to be loved… just like everyone else.

But most of all… I am a woman. I am an emotional, irrational, deep, caring, nurturing woman. I am a woman with dreams, with needs, with desires and I am a being with a heart, a heart that carries so much love.

Being a lesbian who exudes a masculine demeanour seems to give the impression to women that I fall under a sub-category of the male gender (aka “a good replacement for your boyfriend who cheated on you”, with all the added frills and thrills of having sex with a woman).

There seems to be this sudden wave of women who are fed up with men for whatever reasons (valid reasons perhaps), or who have watched a few episodes of ‘Orange Is The New Black’ or ‘The L Word’ and perhaps have read up on sexual fluidity and have decided they now need to find themselves a female lover because this will either ease their pain, heal their trauma or, at the very least, give them a hot, steamy sexual experience they can brag to their friends about over a glass of Pinot.

Or even better! They can post it all over social media so that their ex-boyfriend or ex-husband can see how much happier they are being with a woman. Such a cunning revenge on all the men who have hurt them and a warning to future male partners that they really (or supposedly) do not need a man, when in actual fact this is all a game to attract attention from the male species. Which guy wouldn’t want to ‘turn her back’ right? A game of win-win! But wait… what about me? So it’s a win-win-LOSE.

So to all those straight or confused women out there who are looking for a temporary high before retreating back to your normal lives when you find out the lesbian you have been sleeping with is actually a WOMAN with emotions and needs, I have this to say:

While you are here indulging in this pleasurable delight uttering silent “f*ck you’s” to the men who have hurt you, I am here falling in love with you.

I am holding your heart tenderly as I kiss away the tears you cry for your former lovers who hurt you as my heart whispers “don’t become a player simply because you were played’.

This is not all I want from you, this is not all I want for me.

Being intimate with a woman is completely different, not that it is better, just different. And it is not some x-rated porno your ex made you watch.

It is emotional, raw, vulnerable, sensitive and exquisitely sensual. It is an opening of hidden wounds, a shedding of cultural programming and a releasing of ancestral suppression.

It is a meeting of the divine and sacred feminine merging in sensual union. This is an experience in which so much healing and bliss can be found. Please do not exploit or squander this exchange of energy just because a man who did not know how to love you caused you to be insensitive.

This is real and there are feelings involved. A woman cannot lose herself in the throes of passion through the abandonment of her feelings, rather it is in the owning of her feelings that allows for the rapture.

It is not ok to play games with my heart, my fragile and sensitive heart. Nor should I be a notch on your bed post of sexual experiences. I desire many things but I certainly do not desire to be a crusade or a sexual experiment.

I too yearn to be protected, to feel safe, to be held and told it will last forever. I too yearn for someone I can count on and trust. I too yearn to be cared for and loved… just like you, just like your mother, just like your sister, just like your daughter…

Because, although you may be too caught up in your ‘lesbian fantasy’ to notice, I am a woman too.

  • Michelle L. Geldenhuys

A Lesbian Story